The Chaos of my Mind (Selena)

Selena brushed away the tears from her face. Why did Severus say such a thing? Why couldn't he just stop? She looked at him with confusion and shook her head. "Why, Severus? Why can't you just leave them all behind? I thought you understood what they were doing? They are HURTING PEOPLE!" she screamed right into his face. Slowly the sadness made way to anger and frustration that he obviously just wanted to keep on doing what he had. "It's not enough to say that you don't like it but still keep doing it. That's cowardice!" And there was nothing she hated more than cowards.

She didn't understand ... of course she didn't understand, Severus thought angry with her, but mostly with himself for expecting what he shiouldn't.
"Selena, the dark lord is, as you said, not a nice man and he doesn't deal well with failure from his deatheaters. But the one thing he despises most are traiters. What do you think he would do to me, if A would stop answering his summons? You just want me to stop going there, as if he would be out of sight out of mind. Well, guess what, it doesn't work that way." he hissed sarcastically. Typical Gryffindor, only thinking of what was straight ahead, but never of the consequences.

Suddenly, Selena felt like all spirit had gone out of her. Was it really true that there was nothing to be done? That her friend would have to keep on doing what he did, till one day he might actually have to kill someone on his lord's orders? She felt bad for drawing the wrong conclusion and she turned her eyes back to Severus. "What can we do then? There has to be something to be done!" she pleaded with him. She didn't care if he stayed friends with people like Marvolo and her sister, but she didn't want to lose him to the darkness.

We? She still wanted to help him, although she thought he was a coward? Severus couldn't understand how this girl ticked, but he wouldn't complain as it worked in his favour so far.
"I don't know, Sel. I don't want to commit a crime, but I also don't want to lose the few friendships I have built up last year." he told her. Marvolo and Regulus had become good friends for him and especially now that Morgan was also past of them, Severus couldn't imagine to not hang out with them any longer.

Hearing him call her by her nickname made Selena smile, as she remembered her childhood when everyone had called her that. Back then, everything was fine and she didn't have to worry about anything, but now? She sighed. "I know you don't want to lose their friendship and that's fine. I mean Morgan is a great girl and she really isn't dark, no matter what she thinks right now. And Regulus seemed very nice as well." she said, they had talked quite well last year.
"I don't know Marvolo that well, but if she is a good friend to you, then you should hold on to that. But if you must go to the dark lord when he calls you, can't you at least ensure that you will not have to hurt someone? Please, Severus, I can't stand to think of you like that."

Severus thought about what she was asking of him with a frown on his face. At least she didn't ask him to decide between her and his friends, like Lily had done, but getting the dark lord from sparing him to use unforgivables was might be a request he might not be able to fulfill. Still, Severus knew that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he actually started torturing or killing innocent people. Of course he had invented curses that could kill a person, but so far he had not had to use them and planned to only do so if he absolutely had to.
"Maybe ... " he started thoughtfully, "The main weakness of him is his arogance that nobody could ever fool him. He also uses me only to brew potions for him because noone else is skilled enough to do so. If I were to tell him, that I need to remain pure, my hands clean and innocent so to say to make the potions more potent than maybe he would let me continue as I have. He has enough deatheater for the messy parts after all." Severus was now in full plotting mode, his mouth sat in a thin line.

Selena's eyes brightened up at hearing this idea and she finally managed a small smile again. "Do you really think it might work? Now that I thought about it, I don't want you to turn against your lord openly. It would be too dangerous and I don't want anything to happen to you." she told him honestly. The thought of losing him was the worst thing possible in her eyes and she never wanted that to happen, especially not because of something she had asked him to do.
If Severus' idea would work out, then he still would have to go back to his lord, but at least there was no danger of him commiting an unforgivable sin against an innocent human being. The stories Selena had heard of the deatheater were horrible and she didn't want to picture anyone she knew as either victim or culprit.

Now that he finally had a plan, one that actually stood a chance of making it past the dark lord without him getting killed for it, Severus was feeling better than he had in a long time. Like he had been swimming in the darkness and now he finally had managed to pull himself out of the water. With a little help from his friend.
"Yes." he nodded excitedly, his eyes slightly narrowed in determination. "It will work, I will tell him that I did some research, I often do that, and that I found out about the fact how all potions are more potent if brewed by innocent hands. That way I can keep up my pretense of being a good and loyal servant and I won't lose my friends." Severus was surprised to feel that he was even smiling a bit, maybe everything would work out after all. "I will still have to brew those poisons for him, though maybe I can alter them a bit... so they are less painful and work faster... then the victims wouldn't have to suffer too much."In his mind he ws already going through the different options of adding one ingredient for another.

Once more, Selena threw her arms around Severus and hugged him tightly. She was so relieved that he had been able to think of a plan how to stay out of trouble, at least mostly. It would do so much to rest her mind when he had to go to answer the summons from this dark wizard.
Now she even felt kind of excited to see a plotting Slytherin in action, it was obvious why they were called the cunning and sly house and for the first time she had seen someone put it to good use. "I'm so glad Severus. You have no idea how much this means to me. I could never stand it to lose you to the dark." she mumbled into his shoulder, then lifted her head to smile up at him. "Luckily we had this conversation tonight, huh? It helped a lot to ease my mind..." Selena trailed off and rested her head on Severus' shoulder, suddenly tired. She felt so safe with him and hoped he wouldn't push her away this time. She knew he didn't like this sort of physical contact, but she needed ot tonight, especially after the talk they just had.

Startled by her reaction, Severus was too surprised to tense up when Selena hugged him again. Instead he did what seemed right and pulled her closer to his chest. Due to his taller size, her face only reached up to his shoulder and he suddenly felt very protective of her, realizing once more that she was just fourteen years old. He promised himself not to ever let anything happen to her, at least while he was around and hugged her even tighter.
"I promise you won't lose me to the darkness, Selena. I was blind not to realize all these things earlier and  I need to thank you for washing my head tonight. I really needed this." he told her honestly. When she cuddled up to him, Severus had to remember what his cousin had advised him to do earlier that day. She said that he had to look out for hints of feelings that were more than just friendship, so that's what he did. Maybe it was best to compare his feelings for Selena to those for his cousin, as he knew that there was no attraction between them, just friendship. Severus always felt protective of Morgan as well, but never to this extend and never had he wanted to just hold her like he was holding his friend right now. Gathering his courage, Severus leaned down and pressed his lips softly to her cheek.

Selena froze when she felt his lips against her cheek, had Severus really just kissed her? Might it be true that she was not the only one who had developed feelings that were more than friendship?
Barely daring to hope, she raised her head and looked right into his dark eyes.
He seemed to be uncertain and almost fearful of her reaction, but his expression gave Selena the courage she needed to lean in and kiss him fully on the lips this time. 'I just hope this is really what he wants ...' she thought while she squeezed her eyes shut.

Severus bit his lip in anger when he felt Selena freeze in his arms. He should have known that she would never want him to be more than a friend. about to pull back from her, Severus was confused when she suddenly turned to look at him. Probably to tell him off, he thought, but that was not what she did. Instead she kissed him right on his lips and Severus felt a dark blush rise in his cheeks.
Deciding to go with it, he pulled Selena into his lap and kissed her back softly. When they finally broke apart for air, Severus looked at her with an astonished expression. "What...?" he shook his head. "Did you really want that?"

Selena felt excitement, happiness and giddiness at the same time when Severus kissed her back. So he did feel the same after all, that was better than she could have hoped. "Of course, I wanted that, Severus, wasn't that obvious?" she asked him with a smile. Her brown eyes were dancing happily and she raised her hand to trace his flushed cheek with a finger. "I wanted to do that for some time now. I..." she looked down to her lap and took a deep breath. "I love you Severus." Selena tensed and waited for his answer.

Love? She loved him? Severus head was spinning madly in his head, how was he supposed to answer that if he didn't even know what it felt like to love someone in that way? But hadn't he just realized that he had more than friendly feelings for her? "I care a lot for you, too Selena. I just don't know if it's love, yet." he told her honestly. "But I'm willing to work on it and explore it, if you agree." Severus looked at her with a hopeful expression, wishing that his honest answer hadn't messed it up.

Letting out the breath she wasn't aware she had been holding, Selena smiled up at her friend. "That's alright, Severus. I just realized my feelings for you today as well. And I'm just happy that you're willing to try this with me." she said with a slight blush. She was almost bursting with happiness right now and she would be willing to wait and see if Severus could develope stronger feelings for her as well. "We can take it slow and nothing much has to change if you don't want it, as long as I can be close to you, I'm happy."

Severus smiled to himself. She was in love with him, the first time anyone had ever told him such a thing and he couldn't be more happy. "I would be honoured to have you close to me, Selena. Though, I would be disappointed if nothing would change between us..." Severus smirked slightly and kissed her again, a bit more forceful this time, now that he was past the shock.
Something wet slipped into his robe at his neck and he withdrew to look up into the sky where snow had begun to fall again. He hadn't even been aware that it had stopped, but now thick flakes were falling down on them.

Selena laughed at his words and nodded enthusiastically, oh she would love to see things change of course. Then Severus kissed her again and she pressed herself against him, to feel his warmth. His lips were thin and dry and pressed hard against her softer lips and she loved it. It was the first time she had kissed a boy and she had expected to feel all awkward, but somehow that was not the case at all.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she asked when they broke apart and noticed the snow covering them with a soft layer of white. Smiling, Selena brushed some flakes off his face and kissed his cheek. "I could stay here forever." she whispered.

"It is indeed..." Severus agreed and rested his chin on her head. He could stay with her here as well, for as long as she wanted, but he could feel the cold slowly creeping into his bones and Selena was also seeking his warmth already. Though whether it was because of the cold or because of something different he couldn't tell. "I think we should get back inside, though. We must have talked way past midnight already." he told her in a soft voice. He didn't want to break the moment, but he knew that they couldn't stay here forever.

With a sigh, Selena pushed herself off Severus and gave him a smile to show that she wasn't bothered by it. Of course they had to get to bed at some point and from now on, she could be close to him whenever she needed, right? "You're right, otherwise I'll fall asleep on top of you." she said grinning and got up from her place on his lap. "So..." suddenly feeling shy, Selena quickly leaned down and kissed him on the lips again. "See you tomorrow!" she called and then quickly ran back inside, otherwise she would never be able to pull away from him.

Severus was glad that she seemed to understand and wasn't angry with him. As he was about to follow her example and get off the wall, she bend down to kiss him, which effectivly rooted him to the spot. Before he was able to clear his head again, Selena was already halfway through the yard and he shook his head confused.
Suddenly, though, Severus remembered something and called after her. "So does that mean you will go to the yule ball with me?" He hadn't planned on going, but now...

A huge smile broke out on her face when she heard his words and Selena spun around. "Of course, it does! I wouldn't let you go with any other girl, would I?" she called back beaming and then rushed inside to her common room still smiling stupidly.

Shaking his head, Severus smiled to himself and slowly made his way back to the dungeons. He had a date, his first date to be honest and he didn't even have a fest robe. 'Oh shit...' he thought and slapped his head, he would have to hurry to get one in time.