The Chaos of my Mind (Selena)

It was evening, approaching curfew to be honest, and Severus had managed to escape the loud common room, so for a while he was strolling through the hallways of the deserted castle trying to put some order in his chaotic mind.
So many things had changed, in the short time he had been gone and now it was hard for him to readjust his view on all these people, friends and foe, even family.

Pushing open one of the many wooden doors, Severus stepped outside into the quickly cooling air and walked through the curtyard. During the day you could find students chatting and playing here, now though, it was peacefully quiet, eerie almost, but he liked it and sat down on a small wall.
His mother used to tell him that relationships with people were hard, after breaking it off with her family, she only had him and his father left and with both she hadn't managed ideal relationships.

Severus couldn't help but agree though. So far he hadn't managed to form one stable friendship, where he could open himself freely. Morgan came close, but his little cousin was someone Severus just couldn't talk with about all the dark parts of himself. And now she was dating a death eater? What should he think of that? He knew that as a death eater himself he should be happy about it, but somehow he couldn't work up the feeling.
With a sigh, Severus burrowed his face in his hands and not for the first time wished himself to be far away.

The night had come and the hallways of the castle were dark and empty, most students having already gone back to sit in the warm comfort of their common rooms. Yet, a young witch was still outside, walking aimlessly through the corridors at night.
She was troubled, talk of a dark lord who despised muggleborns kept coming up amongst the student body and even the papers started reporting attacks on muggles, muggleborns and those that stood up for them.
Why anyone would want to hurt people for their blood or lack of magic, was something Selena could not comprehend and she was worried what this might mean for the magical world she had grown up in.

The full moon stood proudly, shining it's eerie light through the windows and Selena stopped a moment to take in the still beauty of the sight when a movement outside caught her eye. Someone sat on a prick wall, hunched over as if in pain and she quickly made her way out to check on the person.
As she drew nearer, Selena recognized the lank black hair and scrawny body of her friend and worry, for the moment, pushed away the dark thoughts in her mind. "Severus?" she asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Cold wind was blowing through his hair, as Severus sat unmoving on the stone for what felt like an eternity, his thoughts trying to come up with some order. Sirius Black turned his back on his friends and girlfriend and towards their side. Marvolo dating Black. Morgan dating a deatheater and showing an interest in the dark lord. Morgan and Marvolo being friends.
These were all things, Severus would have laughed at, had someone told him that a few weeks ago. Now though, he had to handle all of it at the same time, trying to find a way to adjust.

A warm hand on his shoulder pulled him out of his thoughts and he raised his eyes to the dark worried gaze of his friend. "Selena?" he asked confused. "What are you doing out here in the cold?" Remembering her questions, Severus quickly assured her that he was alright and put on a small smile.

"I just needed to think a bit." She said.
Biting her lip worriedly, Selena sat down next to her friend and observed him closely. Usually, she would let his little lie go and change the subject, but with all the things going on lately, she wasn't in the mood for his little games.
"Don't lie to me, Severus. I could clearly see that you are not alright, so please tell me what's going on." she told him seriously. Today seemed to be the day they would have their first conversation about something important, if he was willing to do so, as they usually avoided anything too deep.

A frown appeared on Severus' face. He wasn't really in the mood to talk about his thoughts, actually, he never was on the mood for such things, but then again, he didn't want to upset his friend and maybe it would actually help him clear things up.
"Fine..." he said finally, trying to find the right words. "You know Selena that I have been gone for a while, right? Now please don't ask where I was, I really can't tell you that. But during that time, many things have changed. My cousin broke up with her boyfriend who is now with one of my friends, Marvolo. Instead Morgan now has a new lover and ..." here he looked at his friend in a calculating way, "How much do you know about the dark lord?"

Selena calmly listened to Severus tell her about what was on his mind ans tried to understand what was upsetting him so much. She had already seen Morgan with her new boyfriend and Sirius and Marvolo demonstrated their love quite publicly.
At Severus' question regarding the dark lord, her stomach tightened into a tight knot. She had heard rumours of course, that was exactely the reason why she was out and about at night after all.
Some even said that Severus and his friends were is followers, but she really didn't want to belive that. Then she remembered his fight with Lily and the name he had called her. It was all over the school back then and Selena hadn't been able to believe it, but was it really true?
"I have heard rumours of him." she said quietly.

Severus was staring at his hands that were clapsed tightly in his lap while Selena was taking her time to think over his question. His fingers shone ghostly white in the moonlight and he watched them as small snowflakes melted on his skin.
Finally, her quiet voice reached his ears and he looked up at her. "Rumours...I can guess what kind of rumours." he muttered under his breath then said louder. "Well, the thing is that Marvolo and Black are following him and Morgan is showing an interest in him as well. That was new for me and confused me a lot." he admitted.

Selena turned slightly and looked up at her friend, her suspicion seemed to have just been confirmed. Marvolo was known for being into the dark arts, her sister a well and Sirius had been hanging out with them as well lately.
The thought that Severus might be a follower of this dark lord was upsetting Selena a lot, but she needed to know the truth. So she pulled herself up and gathered all her famous Gryffindor courage. "And you, Severus? Do you follow him as well? Do you believe in him?" she asked him straight ahead.

Looking into his friend's dark brown eyes, Severus could see that this time he would not be able to talk around the question and felt panic rise in him like he was freezing up from the inside out. How should he tell her about all this? She was a Gryffindor and definitely not someone who would see the positive aspects of someone like the dark lord and his followers. No, she would leave, of that he was sure. But there was no way around it.
With his heart beating rapidly and cold sweaty hands, Severus pulled himself together and prepared to lose another frriend, just like he had lost Lily. "I  am and I do. I have taken the dark mark during our last summer holidays and that's where I was at the start of this term. With my Lord." he admitted and lowered his head, not being able to look into the betrayal in the usually warm brown eyes.

Selena felt like she was in a daze. He really was one of them. How could he! After what she heard of others she couldn't believe how anyone would want to follow that dark lord.
"Why Severus? Why would you follow him? Do you truely hate muggles and muggleborns so much? What have they done to you?" she asked her friend, in a shocked tone.
She needed to hear from him that this was what he believed, that he enjoyed the things the death eaters did.

Severus jumped off the wall and started pacing in front of the Gryffindor girl, his mind racing with thoughts and replies to those questions. "Why I follow him?" he exclaimed angrily. "Because he is the only one who cares! The only people who care about me are his followers. And he recognizes my skills, my talents and my ambition. For everyone else Slytherin ambition equals evilness, but that's not bloody right!"
He kicked away a stone and glared at the ground in front of him. Why didn't anybody understand? Why did they always think it was bad to follow that dark lord?
"He helps us, he supports us and we all stick together. It's like the family I never had." he admitted quietly.

Selena watched Severus with troubled eyes, as he ranted about how grant his lord was and how much he did for him and his friends and shook her head. How could anyone be so deceived as to really believing that. And Severus did believe what he was saying, of that she was certain.
"That is not true, Severus." she said and walked up to him. "How is he the only who cares? What about Lily? Didn't she care for you? Wasn't it only because you turned to these people that she turned her back on you?" Selena looked right into his eyes as she spoke. She felt the desperate need to convince him. To make him see where he was wrong. "And what about me? Don't I care for you? I might not know much about this lord of yours, but it's not right to follow him."

Being so close to the younger girl, made Severus heart beat wildly and he started breathing more heavily. This reaction annoyed him and he quickly backed away from her, the words still penetratimg his mind. Lily, why did it always come back to her, as if he didn't feel bad enough about the way their friendship ended. She had cared for him, cared a lot even when they had argued again and again about his new friends. And Selena said she cared as well? Could that really be true?
Shaking his head in denial, Severus did what he had learned early in life, when under attack, lash out. "You don't understand anything, Selena! You're just like Lily, drawing conclusions about things you can't comprehend." he screamed at her, realizing that he had the same fight often with Lily as well and he knew how that had ended.
"You don't even know the dark lord. He appreaciates my skills in potions and my knowledge in the dark arts. He thinks I'm good at something, who else does?"

When Severus backed away from her, Selena sighed sadly, but wouldn't let that discourage her from her quest. She wasn't sorted in Gryffindor for nothing after all and she would never forgive herself for giving up on a friend, no matter what they had done.
"Maybe you should stop comparing me to Lily." she told him coldly, that was something that had been bothering her a lot lately and she hated it. Selena didn't know the older girl very well, but she was her own person and wouldn't let him take her for a replacement for his old friend. "You say I don't understand, but you also can't explain yourself. You say they are the only ones who care, I showed you that there are others who would be there for you. You say that the dark lord appreciates you for your skill, but isn't he just using you?" she walked up to him again backing the older boy against the wall. "Tell me Severus, what does he use your skill for, to help people? To invent healing potions?" Selena snorted angrily as she stared into the black eyes. "I bet that's not the case. I heard what you death eaters do. You hurt, you torture and you kill. Do you enjoy that? Do you, Severus? Would you like to kill Lily because she's a mudblood!" By now she was screaming at him. "Would you like to torture me because I'm a bloodtraitor? ANSWER ME!"

Severus couldn't help but wince when Selena's cold voice cut right through his anger, he had never heard her speak in such a voice before and was taken aback by it. Confused by that change in her, Severus couldn't help but compare her to Lily again and almost slapped himself for it. He could understand that Selena did not like it at all, it just happened. But Lily never used such a harsh and cold tone with him, she was either warm and friendly, or angry or disappointed. Severus found that he didn't want Selena to talk to him that way, but he knew he brought it upon himself.
Severus listened to her rant, though he couldn't really believe her words. Of course the dark lord wasn't using him!, Severus thought angrily, he always praised him for his effords. Then again, the praise was really the only reward he got beside not being tortured for failure. Severus shook his head, to chase these doubts from his mind. "He's not using me! Do you think people only like me because I'm useful?" he asked her harshly. By now Selena had backed him up right against the wall and was staring up at him with angry dark eyes, each of her words like a slap in his face. Hurt, torture, kill... these words were now spinning in his mind, making him want to vomit. A part of him wanted to run away, though another, much bigger part of him just wanted to lie down and cry and never look at anyone again. Severus knew that feeling well. Shame. Just this was even worse than when he called Lily this horrid name. Back then he was only ashamed for what he had done, now he was ashamed for what he was.
"Of course I don't want to hurt you, Selena. I could never harm you." his voice sounded flat and dead, just like his heart. How could she ask these things of him, why wouldn't she just let it go. Right now, even breaking up their friendship seemed easier than continuing this fight.

Selena shook her head angrily at Severus' stupid and stubborn answer. Why was he just so blind and didn't see what was right in front of his eyes, she thought, suddenly very tired. Still, something told her not to give up on her friend just yet and so she straightened up to face him once more.
"You don't get it Severus, of course there are people that care for you, for you and not your skills, people like Morgan and Lily and me. But do you really believe that your lord cares for all these people that join him? That he is such a loving man with a huge heart?" she asked him sarcastically.
Finally, though she could see that her brutal approach of asking Severus outright if he was up to torture and murder was having an effect on the older boy. His face had gone pale and his eyes were suspiciously glassy, like he was in pain. This almost made Selena cry, the last thing she wanted to do was hurt her friend, but if that was needed to make him see reason, that's what she would do.
"I know you wouldn't hurt me, Severus." she said and cupped his pale cheek in her hand. "But you didn't answer my question, what does he make you do? You don't have to tell me, but please think about it. What do you brew for him and what do you think he uses these potions for? What does he use your knowledge about the dark arts for. Ask yourself that. That and if you can live with the results." Selena said quietly and stepped away from him. She knew that he needed to figure this out for himself, she could only put it in front of him, but the rest he would have to do. With one last glance at her friend's face, Selena turned around to walk back into the castle.

Severus snorted and felt almost like bursting out in hysterical laughter when he imagined the dark lord dealing out hugs. Of course he wasn't a kind or loving man, but he did appreciate what Severus was doing for him, right? And that was more than any adult had ever done in his life.
But now, that he took in what Selena said, he had to admit that he didn't get more than words of praise and whenever he failed to please his lord, a swift cruciatus would come his way. Surely, that wasn't like someone acted who cared for you. But was he really only used by him for his skills? Then he asked himself what the dark lord should do, if Severus would fail him. 'He would kill me...' there was no question about it. Selena was right, he couldn't compare her, Lily and Morgan to the dark lord and his followers. Still, Severus couldn't help but feel flattered at the attention of such a powerful wizard.
A warm hand, startled him out of his conflicting thoughts and Severus looked into the beautiful eyes of his friend. Her words were not unfeeling, but hit him worse like anything before. They felt like goodbye, like she was breaking up their friendship.
Watching her retreating back, Severus felt his whole world crumble beneath him. Once again, an important person was walking away from him and he wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and forget about everything. Nevertheless, he knew that the time had come where he had to prove that he had matured and wasn't a little boy anymore, but a man who owned up to his actions. Shaken up and feeling like the life he had built was a complete mess, Severus sank down against the wall and burrowed his head in his hands once again.

Selena entered the dark hallway and leaned against the wall. Silent tears were running down her face and she sobbed quietly. Never had she imagined having a fight like that with one of her friends, but now it had happened and there was nothing she could do, but wait for Severus to make up his mind as to what was more important for him.
Sinking down to the cold floor, Selena unconsciously mirrored her friend's posture as she cried silently in anger and fear of losing the one she loved. And that she did, Selena had to admit, making the loss hurt all the more.

Severus drew a shuddering breath and ran his hand through lank black hair, Selena's words running in repeat in his mind. Hurt, Torture, Kill, Use. Again and again and again her accusing eyes haunted him, like she were still standing in front of him. He tried his best to forget about them, to forget about the pain of watching her walk away, but it didn't work. "She's not right!" he shook his head in denial. The dark lord might not really care for him personally, but he did care for what happened to people like him, people who were misunderstood by the rest of society. Like Marvolo and her sister, like Morgan, like himself. And Severus was convinced that his work actually achieved something, that it made a change!
But what sort of change? Somehow, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Selena's, kept coming forth in his head. What did he achieve? Severus rubbed his forehead where a painful headache was forming already. "What was her question again?" he thought aloud. What did the dark lord use his skills for. Selena had asked him that again and again and so far Severus had been able to  avoid thinking about the answer. In the back of his mind he already knew it of course, but now there was no way for him to avoid the truth any longer. "Torture and Death" he whispered, his voice sounded dead and unbelieving to his hears, like he couldn't comprehend what he was saying. His lord had been asking him to brew poisons that would kill the victims in various ways. But no matter in which form death came upon the victim, it always came with pain.

So far, Severus had not been forced to watch his potions take action, he was just summoned for a few hours to brew the poisons then he was dismissed again and he prefered it that way. He had prefered blindness to the painful truth. He was a deatheater and the thought of how many people might have died due to his potions made Severus sick to his stomach and he had to bend over when vomit rose up in his throat. With a shaking hand he brushed his hair out of his face and pulled himself back up on the wall. "What have I become? I just wanted to be important, powerful, included." his whisper sounded broken. "I just wanted to leave my wretched past behind." As a child he had been the poor little boy with an alcoholic father and a depressed mother who couldn't even defend herself from her husband, much less her son. That was why Severus had been looking forward to be able to leave his home and go to Hogwarts, but his big dream turned into a nightmare when he realised that for most people he was just an evil Slytherin and for his housemates he was only the useless halfblood. Then some of them had picked up on his skill with potions and finally he was important and included. He even made friends in his house! It was only the natural conclusion for Severus to follow them into the dark lord's service and even Lily's arguments didn't outmatch the excitement he felt at that time. And he had enjoyed the power, the attention of the older and powerful wizard. But now he started to realize that all this came for a prize.
'Can you live with the results?' Selena's last words spun through his mind and that really was the most important question. There was no denying that Severus enjoyed being part of the dark lord's group of death eaters, that he enjoyed the challenge of inventing just what the man was demanding, that he enjoyed the studies of the dark arts with his friends. But was he prepared to know that people were dying? Dying by his friends' and his own hand? Tortured by them all straight into insanity? "I didn't want that! I didn't want anyone to die! I never used my poisons on anyone. I never used the killing curse or the cruciatus. I'm not doing anything wrong!" Severus whispered desperately, trying to convince himself, but even to his own ears these words sounded shallow and untrue. Severus knew that he had come to a turning point in his life. Either he would keep on doing what he had and become truly dark, or he would stop right now to close his eyes of the truth.
"I don't know what to do..." he wrapped his arms around himself and stared unseeingly to the ground, desperately trying to find a way out of the mess he had got himself into.

After what felt like houres, but was probably just a few minutes, Selena finally dried her tears and pulled herself upright again. She just wanted to get back to her dormitary, lie down and sleep. Now she could understand how Lily must have felt after her fight with Severus, how lost and frustrated.
At least this was how she was feeling right now. Frustrated because he just couldn't see what was happening with him and lost, because she didn't know how to help him anymore.
Before she could leave to her common room, though, Selena had to cast one last glance at Severus and found him looking worse than she had ever seen. His face was pale and his eyes seemed so full of despair that she just couldn't leave.
Instead, Selena walked outside again and sat down beside her friend. "Severus?" she asked tentatively, so she wouldn't startle him. "I didn't mean to upset you so much, but I needed you to see what was happening with you. You are so lost in your world that you just can't see anymore what pain it is bringing to other people." she said quietly.

Once more it was Selena who drew him out of his depressive thoughts and Severus looked up at her with wide eyes. "You came back?" he couldn't comprehend how she could still stand being this close to him, especially as she now knew what he was.
Shaking his head, he looked down at his hands. "I ... I need to thank you, Selena. For opening my eyes. You were right that I didn't even want to see the truth anymore. I was happy with my life with all my new friends, but I couldn't see what was the price for it was. But ..." here he stopped, unsure of how to go on. He couldn't excuse what he had done, but he also didn't know how to make it better.
"I didn't want anyone to get hurt, you must believe me. I just was content with doing what I'm good at without thinking of the consequences." Severus looked at her with pleading eyes, he needed her to believe him, believe that he wasn't evil.

Selena smiled sadly at her friend and took his hands into her own. "Of course I came back, Severus." she told him softly and squeezed his hands slightly. As if she would have been able to stay away from him for long. Hearing that he really understood what had upset her so, made a hopeful shimmer appear in her eyes. Could it really be that everything would be fine now?
"You understand it now? Oh Severus, I'm so glad." she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly, happy tears sliding down her cheeks. He said that he didn't want to see the truth, that he didn't think of the consequences, that must mean that he did think of them now, right?
"You will stay away from them then? You will not go back to your lord?" her voice was not more than a whisper.

The surprise was plainly obvious on his face when the young girl took his hands in her own and Severus couldn't help but smile slightly. Why couldn't they just freeze like that, he would be content sitting here with her forever just jolding hands, but his prayers were not heard. Instead, Severus had to look into her eyes where hope was shining painfully bright. Feeling her warm body against his, that was already stiff from the cold, he suddenly felt lost again, The difference between them were too great.
How could he tell her that it wasn't that simple? She was just a fourteen year old girl who never had to deal with all this darkness before. How could she understand that you didn't just leave the dark lord.
"Selena ..." Severus shook his head and pushed her away a bit. "I can't do that. I took the dark mark and if he summons me then I must go. If he orders me to brew poisons than I have to do that." his voice was pleading for her to understand.

Selena brushed away the tears from her face. Why did Severus say such a thing? Why couldn't he just stop? She looked at him with confusion and shook her head. "Why, Severus? Why can't you just leave them all behind? I thought you understood what they were doing? They are HURTING PEOPLE!" she screamed right into his face. Slowly the sadness made way to anger and frustration that he obviously just wanted to keep on doing what he had. "It's not enough to say that you don't like it but still keep doing it. That's cowardice!" And there was nothing she hated more than cowards.

She didn't understand ... of course she didn't understand, Severus thought angry with her, but mostly with himself for expecting what he shiouldn't.
"Selena, the dark lord is, as you said, not a nice man and he doesn't deal well with failure from his deatheaters. But the one thing he despises most are traiters. What do you think he would do to me, if A would stop answering his summons? You just want me to stop going there, as if he would be out of sight out of mind. Well, guess what, it doesn't work that way." he hissed sarcastically. Typical Gryffindor, only thinking of what was straight ahead, but never of the consequences.