Unspoken Words (Bill)

Mish was sitting on her knees, ignoring the cold ground under her and how unhealthy it was sitting there just in the skirt and t-shirt despite the fact she was with a child. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, gaining black color from the heavy mascara she wore despite the fact she knew it won't last for long, since she couldn't stop crying. Her eyes were red, she barely ate past days and now she was just sitting there, for who knew howg long, in front of the wooden cross she made herself and where she carved Decibel's name, before she put it there. He wasn't here. He will never be again. But that stupid cross made her feel even tiny bit closer, since his name she carved with his dagger. 

There was so much she wanted to tell him and never did. There was even more of what she said and she shouldn't. But he was gone now and she saw no light. She gave up Bill months ago. And now she was forced to let go of a man she was willing to give up everything for. "I'm sorry," she sobbed desperately. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean what I said! Please come back! Please..." she begged as if he could hear her. "I love you, Dec. I'm sorry I didn't say it often enough," she continued, eacho of her own pain in her ears.

Bill's face was void of any emotion as he left the castle door. His mind had been working constantly for days, and he couldn't manage to stop it. His thoughts were all over the place, but the main thing that they seemed to dwell on was the one thing that he wanted to forget. Decibel Allen. More than anything, the Gryffindor wanted to hate the person who had attacked him. He wanted to be glad that he was dead. But when he heard the news that had swept around the school, his heart had dropped. Bill wouldn't miss him, but there was someone who would. Someone who would be heartbroken at that very moment.

Decibel had spoken to Bill, only a few days before. While the conversation have been rather emotionally charged, the later had considered it unnecessary. While the Ravenclaw had been sick, he'd not expected his life to leave him so quickly. Despite his flaws, Bill was a good person. That was why he had searching out the Ravenclaw girl who had broken his own heart, and likely didn't even know it. He'd told Decibel that he would be there for her, and he had to at least try and make true on that promise.

He wasn't surprised when he first heard, and then saw Misha in the forest. It seemed to be the place that she dwelled on her most deep of problems. And things could run much deeper than the lose of your unborn baby's father. Bill took cautious steps toward her, and stood a few metres away. If it weren't for the clothes that she wore, he would have remained in his place. Instead, he removed his coat and hesitantly approached her. Kneeling next to her, without a word, he carefully wrapped the warm garment around her body. Pulling his hands away quickly, he stood and stepped back. There, he waited for he to say something, if she was even going to.

She didn't even notice she was shaking, how cold it was outside. Or maybe it was just all the grief and pain. She couldn't tell anymore. When she felt something warm placed on her shoulders and her nose picked up familiar scent, she looked up to see Bill standing now few steps away from her again. She chuckled weakly and with undeniable bitterness at his movements, as if he was scared of her. But deep inside, it wasn't only garment that made her feel slightly warmer at the moment. Part of her, deep in her heart, felt suddenly a bit better knowing he cared, because it wasn't likely that he would just wander to this spot again unless he was looking for her. 

"I'm harmless you know? Not going to eat you or anything," she said between her sobs she still couldn't control. There were days she would at least smile at her own joke, but not today. Right now, it was only her way to tell him she is glad he came. And she doesn't want him to leave. She looked terrible. Her hair messy, clothes dirty, not to mention her eyes full of pain. "I guess this is what happens to bad people, huh?" she spoke again, looking back at that wooden cross again.

Bill looked at her, his eyes curious. Under different circumstances, he would have laughed. She was far from harmless, and he knew it. But he knew that she was only trying to say something to him, rather than just sitting there. He took that as a good sign. His fingers moved through his red hair, before her moved closer to her and dropped quietly to his knees. He didn't know what to do, but he didn't want to leave her alone. He wanted to be there for her.

The Gryffindor reached out a hand, and gently pushed a few strands of dark hair out of her face. He looked her over, taking note of the make up that was running down her face and the puffy, red eyes that looked like they hadn't stopped crying in days. They probably hadn't. She looked weak, and he frowned. Deciding that he didn't care what she was going to say, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and pulled her to his chest, wrapping both of his arms around her body. "You're not a bad person," Bill said in to her hair, his quiet words only loud enough for her to hear, "And nor was he. He was a troubled man who did bad things."

Misha was surprised by what he did once again. But was too weak to even show the shock over his actions or fight him. Not to mention she didn't want to fight him. She felt safe in his arms. Right in that moment, she considered it to be safest place in the world for her. "Never going to give up on me, huh?" she asked him weakly as she hugged him back, with all the strenght she found, holding him close as she burried her face into his chest and felt her body relax and stopped shaking. She wondered if he would still think this if he knew she was also pregnant. But she was too weak to face that issue now.

Moving his hand to carefully stroke her back, Bill didn't know what to say. It was probably best that he say nothing at all, but he knew that he didn't want to leave her alone in the forest. He looked at the cross that bared her boyfriend's name and shook his head. "No," he said simply, holding her a little tighter. The thought of her carrying his child plagued his mind, but he the feel of her cool body against his own made anything that he thought on that subject disappear. It didn't matter. Bill rocked slowly, closing his eyes as he did so. Misha was hurting, and it caused an ache in his chest that he couldn't shake.

Misha closed her eyes and felt how the physical pain from her muscles that were tensed past few days, went away as she relaxed and stopped shaking completely. Bill managed to calm her down. At least a bit. "What should I do now Bill? Without him... I... I am hopeless... I'm with his child. And I am not strong enough to have it, yet not strong enough to give it away either," her voice was quiet and weak as she spoke, full of fear he will push her away when she tells him the truth. "Merlin, my existence is one big mistake," she added hopelessly.

Bill just moved his legs out from beneath him and pulled the girl closer still. She was freezing, but he felt relief as he realised that he was warming her at least some what. It was a cool day, and she shouldn’t have been outside without warm clothes on. But he wouldn’t try to talk her in to leaving. He would just stay with her until she was ready to. “I don’t know, Misha,” he said honestly. Looking down in to her face, he shook his head, “You’re not hopeless.” He felt an ache in his chest, as he heard those words again. But it wasn’t about him, and he had to remember that. “I know. I know you are,” he said. He didn’t want to tell her that Decibel had come to him. Not yet, anyway. Bill brushed his fingers over her cheek and smiled, though not a happy one. “You’re strong enough for anything, Misha. He knew that, and so do I.” He let out a sigh and frowned, “No it’s not. You are far from a mistake,” he said, “Nor is that beautiful, tiny baby of yours.” The child may have been the product of Decibel, but it was also a piece of Misha. He couldn’t see that as anything other than good. He was totally screwed.

Misha listened to his words and regreted that things had to be so hard between the two of them. "I'm sorry for pushing you away," she said to him honestly as she looked up to him and gently touched his chin. "But you don't deserve to pay for my mistakes. Few months from now on, people will call me a whore and I will be single mother. Not to mention all the things around. I am badd goods," she said feeling uneasy again when she thought about future without Dec. She couldn't give the little one away. It was his after all. The only memory of her first love was growing under her heart. She was bad person, but not that bad to kill the baby. "Thanks for being here now," she added in whisper as she hid her face in his chest again.

The Gryffindor frowned as she spoke, shaking his head even though he knew she couldn’t see. “Don’t be sorry,” he whispered. Sure, it had hurt when she’s pushed him away, but he couldn’t be upset with her for it now. He bit his lip and held her tighter. He was there, like he’d promised, and he was glad that he was. “People say a lot of cruel things,” he muttered, “But it’s not your fault. You didn’t plan this, but you can make it a good thing so long as you allow yourself to.” He didn’t really know where he was going with his words, but he continued anyway. “You have friends, they’ll help you. I’ll help you.” The last words were quieter, and a kind of question. Another sad smile appeared on his face and he nodded, “I always will be..”

His words had strange effect on her. She felt a bit better now. If someone else said the same, she was sure it wouldn't really help. But when it was him, she actually listened. She hated herself for knowing she loved Bill Weasley. And she hated the fact she was realizing this more and more while grieving Decibel. "You think so, my best friend was the one to kill Dec in the first place," she said and quickly covered her mouth, not sure if this was a thing she should be telling to anyone. "Don't tell anyone," she told him imidiately as she pushed herself away from him so she could look at him, but she couldn't really give him threatening look. Not with how she looked right now. And not with whhat she felt for him.

Instead her eyes remained fixed on his for a few long seconds before she sighed and looked down. "You have no idea what influence you have on me. Don't promise you will be here, if you don't mean it, please. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am not strong enough to let you in and leave the door open, so you can leave when you realize there is no apology for who I am and what I do. I wouldn't be able to go on, if I'd lose you. That's why I rather can't have you at all," she told him in whisper, still looking to the ground, deep insinde missing his arms around her, as she slowly felt she was starting to shake again.

Bill sat silently, running his fingers gently through her hair. It was tangled and damp, but it was still soft and smelled like her. He wished that he could make her feel better, but he knew that nothing but time could do that. When he heard her speak, her hand froze in its motion and he frowned. He recalled Decibel telling him that he thought the Gaunt boy would probably kill him. He hadn’t really taken much noticed then, and no matter how likely it was Bill was still shocked. Not that Malphas could hurt someone, but that he could do something that would make Misha so devastated. As she pushed away from him, he wanted to stop her but he let his arm fall from her and he frowned, “You know I won’t. I don’t say anything,” he said, slightly hurt that she would even think that he would.

The Gryffindor couldn’t take his eyes from hers, even if he wanted to. It wasn’t until she looked down that he could even think properly. He didn’t know what to say to her words. It was a very valid thing for her to be afraid of, and there was no way that he could fault her for saying it. “I promise that I will be there for you, Misha. I can’t say that I will ever like what you do, but I can live with it. But I can’t live with you pushing me away all the time. I wanted to be your friend after that day in the woods. I still wanted to be your friend when I found out you are pregnant. Do you think that’s going to stop now?” He ran a hand through his hair and noticed that she was starting to shake again. Since she’d moved away from him, he wouldn’t pull her back. He just leaned forward and pulled his coat tighter around her.

She listened to his words, she felt him pulling the coat tighter around her, but she didn't need coat to stop shaking and they both knew it. She needed him. She still looked down for long seconds. She didn't want to be that selfish with him. But he promised, right? With that she looked up to him again. She couldn't hold herself any longer, so she quickly closed the small distance between them, pulling her arms around his neck as she crushed her lips with his. She hoped he won't reject her now, she simply needed him. His cloak fell on the ground, but she didn't care. She felt much warmer as long as Bill was that close to her.

His gaze never wavered from her, as she seemed deep in thought. He couldn’t imagine what she must be feeling, but he wished that he could help her figure it out. That was something that she would have to do alone, as hard as it would be for her. When she finally looked up, he offered a tiny smile. Bill couldn’t believe it when he felt soft lips on his. They were a little chapped from her tears, but they were hers. His hand gently came to rest on her hair as he kissed her back He didn’t let the kiss last for long, though, and he pulled away after only a few moments despite the want to never stop kissing her. He placed his other hand on her shoulder and swallowed. “Misha..”

As she heard him say her name, she realized what just happened. "Merlin! Shit! Bill, I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! I... I got carried away! Please just... don't run away now..." she begged him. What the hell was she thinking? That after everything that happened. And specialy when she is pregnant with someone else, Bill would want to be that close to her? She was worthless. No man will ever want her. At least that was what she thought. She just hoped he won't leave her after it seemed he could be the only one who stays. Well, except for Mal, but Misha wasn't sure what to do with Mal now. He was her best friend. But also a person who took away father of her child and that was wound that needed to be healed. Even if it leaves a big scar.

Bill winced at her words. He hadn’t meant it the way that she had taken it. He just didn’t want for her to do something that she’d regret later. Looking down, he frowned and let out a breath. “I didn’t... I didn’t mean to upset you..” he said quietly. He reached out and brushed his fingertips over her cheek, examining her eyes again. Bill placed a hand on either side of her and pulled her into his lap. He pulled the coat back over her and sighed, “I’m not running anywhere...” he said, gently kissing the corner of her mouth, “I don’t want you to wish you hadn’t when you’re feeling more yourself.”

"But I... I feel myself enough for this Bill," she whispered, not looking at him, for she didn't want to see his reaction, still scared he will reject her. "Nevermind, I guess you're right," she added sadly as she looked at the cross she made for Decibel. Out of sudden she felt like she was cheating on him again. Which sent sharp pain into her heart. She quickly looked down again, one single tear falling from her eye. She was so confused in that moment. She wanted Bill to hold her, kiss her, be with her. But in the same time, all this seemed so forbidden to her.

Bill sighed at her words. He didn't want to reject her. Far from it, actually. But he knew that she was grieving and if he hadn't, he'd have felt like he was taking advantage of her fragile state. Not to mention the fact that they sat before the memorial for her deceased boyfriend who was hardly even cold yet. "You may feel like you are, but you're not," he said, if voice barely a whisper. He didn't like the look on her face, and gently pushed her hair back. Taking hold of her hand, he looked down at it and frowned, "You shouldn't be out here. It's getting really cold."