The Pain of Seeing (Rabastan)

Morgan sat in the dark in a both at the very back of The Leaky Cauldron not speaking to anyone. Her elbows were propped on the table, her hands folded and resting against her lips as she watched the shadows from the single candle on her table dance over the wood. The waitress delivered her cup of hot chocolate and asked if there was anything else she could get her. Without a word, Morgan simply shook her head. The waitress nodded and left, leaving Morgan alone. Her bright eyes weren't focused on anything. She was deep in thought. So much had happened over the past few days and her head ached with the knowledge that she had been a fool and blind for so long. Top that off with what she had seen Remus do and heard what Morana had said. Morgan felt like she was going mad...

Rabastan entered the Leaky Cauldron. He didn't really want to go there, but Morana asked him to check what is going on in normal world, why they are all mostly hidden in the shadows. He admired her patience in this. But he also knew she has a reason. Morana always had a reason. A goal. Something that she wanted. He could tell that dark side made its work alredy. Whole diagon alley seemed much darker, much more dangerous now. He liked it more that way.

As he entered, most of wizards backed off, yet he didn't really care. All he saw right now was very familiar face. "You look destroyed," he said calmly as he approached his former fiancé. She still had those beautiful eyes, but they were strangely sad now.

You look destroyed... Morgan raised only her grey-blue eyes to the familiar voice that spoke to her. As Rabastan approached her, the words of Sirius echoed in her mind. He was one of them, one of those like Morana. But, she knew that. She had seen that the night that they went their separate ways. Lowering her eyes and her hand so they were simply folded across the table top. "Destroyed is how I feel..." she said quietly, her voice not sounding like her normal self at all.

Rabastan looked at the waitress, showing her he wanted two firewhiskey. "Care to share the story with an old friend?" he smiled at her, trying to cheer her up a bit. He knew it was probably war that made Morgan look this way, yet he once promised to her and himself he will always be there for her. And he had no problem with doing so. As the lady brought him two glasses with firewhiskey, he sent one to Morgan.

Morgan looked at the shot glass that slid across her table from her old friend. A small smile toyed with the corner of her mouth as she thought about how simple life used to be. "It's a long story..." she said looking up at him, and offering him to join her. "And, it's anything but bright," Morgan added, touching the top of the glass gently. She honestly didn't know how he was going to take what she told him when she did. He likely already knew half the story if Morana had spoken of the day she came face to face with Remus facing his demons.

He took a small sip from his glass and looked at her once again. "Hey, talk to me. I know only things that are not bright, remember?" he smiled at her cheerfully. "Except for you of course. My little shining star," he added and grabbed her hand. There was nothing romantic in those gestures. It was just a friend showing support. He was so close with Morgan once and that made all potentional akward moments almost impossible which he was glad for.

As he took her small hand in hers, Morgan smiled weakly. Picking up her glass, she took a small sip and enjoyed the burn that followed as the liquor slipped down her throat. With a small sigh, she said, "You know some bright things..." As she told him about the day with James and Sirius, what she saw, what was said, and now, what she knows, Morgan couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. "I was a fool to not see this sooner. I guess, a part of me wanted to believe that there was more than light and dark, that there was good in everyone, and that, somehow, it made a difference. I was stupid, I guess, to think so...." she concluded the first half of the story.

Rabastan smirked bitterly and looked out of window for a moment before he took another small sip. "Black is very specific person. Marvolo certainly left traces on him. I am not surprised by that. She is very dominant personality and they were together long enough for darkness to possess part of his heart," he said. "But generally, he is haunted by his own demons. Many of us are. That's we fight in this war," he added and looked at Morgan, worried. She was stuck in the middle. Everybody loved her, yet where did she belong? With her ideals? With all she believed in. "Good is very subjective, you know?"

Morgan managed a small smile as she nodded. Rabastan was right, she was finding. What was counted as good for one was not for another. All she could do was, perhaps, stick with what she felt to be so. "Good might be subjective, but...." Morgan heaved a great sigh. She felt so lost. Her path that had been so clear before her was clouded. Running a hand through her blonde hair, she raised her grey-blue eyes to him. "I still try to see the good in everyone, but there are some that I wonder if there is any, you know..." she said. Morgan's eyes searched his eyes and face for a glimmer of whether or not he understood what she was saying, if he might agree.

Rabastan looked at her curiously for a moment before he made short bitter something, that could be laugh. "Don't tell me, that you, Morgan Lupin, found someone, in whom you cannot see the light," he said. It was really hard to believe. What did she see to lose her faith in someone? "That story of yours, it isn't only about Black, am I right?" he asked afterwards, bit more worried now.

Morgan looked away, into the glass of liquor in front of her. Taking a drink, her brow furrowed as she thought about his statement of her possibly finding someone without a light as she had always been able to find in people. With a shrug, she said, "I.... I don't know anymore... What seemed possible and so clear is just....not....anymore."

That story of yours, it isn't only about Black, am I right? Morgan's grey-blue eyes raised to met him and shook her head. "There is more..." she said softly as she dove into the day she watched Morana and Remus in the room of the abandonded building. She told him everything down to the last detail of the gore that she witnessed and what she heard being said. As she drew the story to a close, she wiped away the tears that had begun to spill over without her knowledge. "I believed that Morana cared, that she had some good in her, but I don't know now. I don't know if what she told me from the start was ever true. I....I watched her push Remus to take that man's life. He wasn't going to, but she pushed him to do it... She spoke to me of the darkness....." Morgan stopped and dropped her eyes from Rabastan, thinking about what Morana had said to her and then echoed to Remus that day. "Of the darkness within....me.... That one day it will take over and take me. That Remus had the same darkness inside and it would do the same to him. That she knew it would and would know when that day came...." Morgan said, her voice breaking as she finally got her fear of what Morana had said to her out for the first time.

Rabastan listened to her carefully and made sure there was nothing to read in his face or his eyes. At the end, he only sighed, his expression still unclear. "I want you to know something about Morana. She is selfish, highly inteligent, manipulative. She doesn't forget, she doesn't forgive. But she is capable of feelings, which probably makes her one of the most dangerous people in this World. More than Dark Lord himself. Because no matter how much hate she carries inside her, she knows how people feel. And how to use their feelings to tear apart every single part of them. You haven't seen this girl yet. She breaks your neck with her bare hands and before she does, she drives you insane, because with few carefully chosen words she sends your closest ones to jump of the cliff. And you pray to never meet her like this," he told Morgan, his words sharp as knifes, but he wanted Morgan to pay attention. Then he sighed again and looked out of the window.

"In the same time, she herself is torn apart. I don't really know how much she told you about herself, because I doubt even Barty, Remus or Marvolo know everything. But the evil within her, it didn't appear out of nowhere. World she hates so much owes her damn big apology. But my point is. Even under all this, she still cares. She still has few people she cares for. Remus, Barty and Marvolo are the closest. Now also little Malphas of course. She would burn lands for them, she would break angels wings for them, she would serve in hell for eternity, if they wanted her to. And whatever she did for Remus, she did it in good faith. I can guarantee you that one. It wasn't what you would do for him. Hell it probably wouldn't be what I would do for him at her place, but she did it, because she loves him, because he is brother to her and I can only guess that him, from all of us knows Morana the best. And according to what you told me, she exposed herself to him in front of you, because she wanted him to understand. Morana plans everything. She is perfect in plans. Deadly. But non of her plans includes talking about her own feelings. Trust me," he said, much more calm now, before he looked at Morgan again and took a last sip from his glass, asking for a new one imidiately. "In the same time, I tell you one thing about darkness you should mainly think about. Do you know why her words haunt you so much? Because she is your darkness. Morana Gaunt is pure darkness. And you and Remus got stuck in her claws. You can push her away, fight her, do anything you want. Yet she will always be there to save you from the worst in case your good side forgets to come soon enough," he told her honestly.

Morgan listened carefully as Rabastan spoke to her of Morana. His tone told her that he was very serious about what he was telling her, that it was important that she listen to what he said. She didn't say anything as he spoke about the hard Morana and then about the Morana that Morgan got a small glimps of that day. It wasn't until he took a moment to finish his drink and order another that she found her voice. "She told me....shortly after graduation about the evil people that hurt her as a little girl. She showed me the scars they left on her. I saw the good in Morana that day when she tried to comfort Remus. But she closed it off quickly. I don't understand, but maybe I'm not meant to, why she closes herself off that way," she said quietly and then finished her drink.

As Rabastan spoke about the haunting words she spoke to herself and Remus, Morgan's index finger ran along the top of the glass absentmindedly. "That's why she warned me all that time ago, gave me the dagger I still keep? I can understand why Remus matters so much, but why me? If I matter to her enough for her to try to protect me, why does she hide her true self?" Morgan asked. Pulling her hand free from his, she put both of her hands on either side of her head. This was something that she had been wrestling with over and over and over, practially driving herself mad trying to sort it out. How is it that those deemed evil and bad and uncaring except about their own agendas, how is it that they can care so much for someone like her? How was it possible? If she mattered to so many people, where did she belong? If she is able to see and believe in the light she finds in people, where does that leave her? As her mind started to ask all the questions, once again, Morgan cursed softly under her breath...

"Don't ask me, I don't understand that either. Maybe she sees it as her weakness. Maybe she does it because it is easier that way. Because she can push all the pain and guilt away. Maybe the reason is as simple as that she does it so she can sleep at night," he replied. "Nobody knows. But I know she showed you quite a lot. She must have been upset, out of her own order. If she was calm as usual, she wouldn't show you those scars," he added and smiled at her as she wondered why her.

"You are what she could never be. When she sat under the Sorting Hat all those years ago, she knew she was going to be Slytherin. It was her legacy, her beloved house. Yet the little girl inside her, the one that never got to grow up, she dreamt of Ravenclaw, about chambers close to the stars, about days spent between books. She dreamt about being normal smart girl, that isn't haunted by past that wasn't even her own. She dreamt about being ordinary. About having a choice. You have all of that. Even being Prince, you still had a clean slate. Nobody expected you to carry legacy of being heir of Slytherin. You have both parents. She never met hers. They were slaghtered for being associated to Gaunts. You grew up with yours, played on playgrounds, were happy. She never got to play with other kids but her sister. There no place for her in the World, yet she was expected to be a leader. And she could be jealous of you and hate you for that. Hell, she most likely did at the start. But than, she saw that in all of this, in this fucked up World, you chose the light, which is much harder and more complicated path. And in that light, you still found a way to care for those who can never reach it. And that's it. Because just like she is your darkness, you are her light," he explained as if it was obvious thing.

Rabastan reasoned out some theories as to why Morana might have acted the way she did, and, to Morgan, some of those things made sense. Morana wasn't one to show weakness. Perhaps, her showing emotion of any kind was her weakness in her eyes. By putting emotion away, she was removing her weakness from the picture. Morgan's eyes looked out the window when he mentioned that there had to have been a reason for her telling and showing so much of the Morana that not many knew about that day in the meadow. Did Morgan really bring out something in her?

You are what she could never be... Morgan's thoughts paused as she slowly looked back at Rabastan as he told her about how she was the complete opposite of Morana. In a sense, Morgan was the little girl that was never expressed inside Morana. She was the flip-side of Morana's coin, much like what she was to Marvolo. Lowering her bright eyes, Morgan continued to listen. As he spoke of the path she had chosen, it was true. She could have easily stuck with the darkness, it would have been easy! It would have been what her family wanted but never forced her to be. But, instead, she picked the path that was a fight in itself. And, even though she had to fight her own way down this path, she still reached out to see the light that was inside even those so far in the dark that the light was almost impossible to reach them. Because just like she is your darkness, you are her light...

Morgan brought her eyes to him and they softened, allowing a touch of that light of hers to shine through for a moment or two, "A light in the darkness..." She smiled some but it wasn't quiet her smile yet. "Kind of like me to Marvolo... So being that I am what she aspires, or aspired, to be makes me a treasure of sorts to her?" she asked softly, putting her hands in front of her and touching her fingertips together. He was wise, always had been. Rabastan was proving it once again, and she was greatful for it.

He smiled again. "I wouldn't really put it that way. She never aspired to have your life, be good person as you would call it. Morana often says that every villain is a hero in his own mind and she is right. About most of us anyway. But as for her, it's just only another myth. Another clever lie. Part of her game. She is not a hero and she doesn't see herself that way. She even doesn't want to be one. What she loves about you isn't exactly that you are what she wanted to be. It is that you are sort of impossible girl to her. You fascinate her, you challenge her in a way no one else does. And you are showing her that even person like you can care about someone like her. So not because you are what she wants to be. But as I said, because you are what she could never be," he tried to explain, but felt like he still failed.

"Her mind is complicated dangerous place. She cares for you, she loves you. But never think she cannot continu without you. Because she can. And what hurts the most about it is the fact, there won't be rage or sadness if you leave her. You won't find the difference. So if you expect her to change if you leave, don't. If she will be sad, angry, destroyed, it will be inside and no one will ever know. She accepted being villain. With all it costs. Unlike many of us, she knows perfectly well how to carry this burden," he said in a warning. He felt that relationship Morgan once had with Morana is broken beyond repair. It was probably just a matter of time before Morana does something, that will definitely send Morgan away.

"No one is impossible to care for, Rabastan," Morgan said looking down as her hands. "I don't know why everyone finds that so hard to believe. Why does it have to be that hard? I mean, just because someone is a villain doesn't mean that they don't feel broken or pain, just because someone is a hero doesn't mean that they don't feel weak or sorrow. So why is it wrong to care?" she rambled, letting a couple tears of frustration run down her cheeks and brushing them away angrily.

Hearing him warn her that even though Morana cares, loves, her, losing her wouldn't faze her, Morgan swallowed and sighed. "In a way, I'm not surprised. Choosing the side and way she is, I guess she needs to be that way. I don't doubt that, if needed, she would break any one of those she cares for," she said, resting her head in one hand she brought up to her temple. Something about what she was saying brought up another question that had haunted her for so long. "Rabastan, tell me, why do I matter to so many people? I walk on the side of light and I matter to those on the opposite side. I'm been kissed by darkness and yet I matter to those on the side of light. Why? Why am I the one watched over? What makes me so special?" Morgan raised her darkened eyes to her friend. They were bright, but not with light, with glistening tears that didn't fall.

"Tell that to a girl who in her short life got attention and love only from her sister, girl who walked out of hell. Her husband, person so twisted you wouldn't believe. Me, and let's not talk about me, because I am not really good at describing who I am and you saw it anyway. And now you and Remus. You cannot eaxpect her to stand tall, hold her head high and wait for love of others, can you?" he chuckled bitterly and sighed afterwards. "You know, in a way I still wish I didn't let you go that night. Forced you into darkness with me. Not because I don't love Katrina or because I still have too strong feelings for you. But mainly because it would be much easier for you and I would save you all these troubles, which honestly, I actually caused in the first place."

Morgan's eyes stayed on Rabastan as he spoke of Morana and how, really, she was doing what was best for her. Why wait for something you don't know will come? Why put herself through waiting to see if the love of others will not only come, but stay? Morana had been through a lot, Morgan understood that. So, she could understand what he was telling her.

You know, in a way I still wish I didn't let you go that night... A soft smile touched Morgan's lips, the smile she had used for him when they were together. A tear escaped and slowly ran down her cheek as he spoke of how much easier it might be for her if she was still with him, how he was the cause of all these troubles. Shaking her head, making the tear drip off her chin, Morgan put her hand on his. "No. I'm as much at fault as you are. Really you aren't at all. It was my choice to walk beside you in the darkness. And, really, if you had kept me, I think the troubles would still be there, just....from the other side of things...." Morgan said softly, a small quiver in her voice.

He looked at her with some sort of strange amusement, before dark smirk twisted his lips. "You underestimate my abilities, Morgan Lupin," he teased her. "Meaning if I wanted to force you to stay, you would probably never be able to see the light again. I wouldn't let you come nearby. And everyone gets accustomed to dark after a while," he added. Even if he still spoke friendly to her, there was hint of darkness and possessiveness in his voice to remind her who he really is. "Anyway, leave Morana be. Leave her completely if it helps you sleep at night, because she will, no matter what you do. As for war, that is hard to ignore and I know it. I don't have advice for you in this. Either you die or you survive and walk out older, wiser and more tough than ever. But if I can give you advice, don't trust strangers. Not even those, who you think fight for the right thing. As you said, you walked on both sides and people know. So the stranger from your side of the baricade may as well be more dangerous to you than any other. Specialy once you are alone. Keep that in mind."

Meaning if I wanted to force you to stay, you would probably never be able to see the light again.... Morgan didn't doubt what he told her. She believed it with all that she was. During the short few months that she was as her liniage would have her be, Morgan almost lost everything that tied her to the light. Rabastan would have made her forget and kept her in the shadows had he forced her to stay with him that night. She knew he was possessive of the things he treasured, and even though she was no longer his, Morgan heard the possessiveness he still had over her, however slight, in his words. Just as she was a treasure to so many, so was she a treasure to him as well.

Rabastan's warning made her eyes lock with his. Even though she was protected and watched from both sides, it also made her targeted. Morgan may walk in the light but she was marked both physically and not by darkness. That, in time, could be her undoing, and Rabastan sensed it. Nodding her understanding, Morgan swallowed before speaking, "Guess the rues of being safe and secure with so many watching is just that...a rues. All eyes are watching, not just those would you seek to protect."

"I am glad you understand," he chuckled and without taking his eyes of hers, his voice went to dark whisper. "Like here. See those three men standing at the bar? They watch us since I joined you. I don't really blame them. They are mudbloods, I killed wife of one of them, so naturaly, they are planning what to do to me once I leave this door. And naturaly, they find this suspiciously easy. Tell you what, they should be very suspicious," he told her. "And that women sitting two tables from us? She knows you. I can see it by the way she looks at you. She knows who you are and right now, I could bet she thinks you sided with death eaters again. I doubt she'll live long enough to actually cause you trouble, but I wanted to demonstrate few things by this. First, it really is important to watch your back and don't ignore things, even ordinary," he said. "Secondly, this observation abilities, you have to learn them. I learnt from one of the best. This is how Morana Gaunt see the world. By the way even complete stranger looks at her, she recognize enough to bring him or her down with one single sentence. So, not only you should start to look around, also be careful what your face, your eyes is giving in."

Morgan glanced at each set of people as Rabastan told her what they knew of them and likely what their thoughts are. She was observant, but not to the degree that he was. Her bright eyes showed her understanding of the lesson he was giving her. Be always on the watch in times like these. Those you might pass by without a second thought could very well be the ones who cut you down once you pass by. Her signing up with The Order would likely change that... "How do you hide what you feel?" she asked him quite simply. Morgan knew that her face she could manage, but, from a very early age, her eyes were the voice of her silence. No matter how hard to tried to hide what she was thinking or feeling, her grey-blue eyes always, always, gave her away. If there was a way to keep her eyes from speaking, now was the time to learn how.

He smiled again and leaned back against his chair. "Well, I don't really know how to help you in this. I never really had a problem with those things. I grew up around Gaunts after all, so I sort of had to learn this very young," he replied honestly.

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"You have to dream," her voice was dark and husky as usually, but full of amusement. As usually, Morana managed to make whole pub go silent and her bare presence made many people leave. Including three man Rabastan talked about. "It's not in eyes, it is your mind that matters. Close it. Make it empty, make it ice cage for everyone who wants to enter. Set a trap, I would say," she explained herself casualy as she took a bottle of firewhiskey from hands of clearly terrified waitress and joined Morgan and Rabastan.

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"What are you doing here and what did you do this time?" he asked her as if he wasn't friend, but more older brother concerned about his little sister, who don't know how to behave. Without warning he took the bottle from her and poured himself another drink, still waiting for her response.

Morgan sighed with a small smile when Rabastan commented that he didn't really know how to answer her question. This was a skill he just picked up while being around the Gaunt twins. You have to dream... Morgan's eyes widened as the familiar voice drifted to her ears. Looking up she spotted her: Morana. Setting her teeth at seeing her move and sit with them. Close her mind. How can Morgan close her mind when it's so full of everything? As Rabastan took the bottle of liquor from Morana and poured himself another glass, Morgan slid her glass to him for him to fill also. She bit her bottom lip lightly as she tried to think of what to say to the one who was her friend...once...