Not Avoidance (Rabastan)

Morgan didn't know what compelled her to go to the secret place that Rabastan had shown her when they were together, but she went. What Morana had said about not avoiding him for forever rung in her head. She just didn't want to hurt him more than she feared she already had. She still cared for him, as she cared for Sirius, and she missed him deeply.

As she entered, she smiled at all the memories they shared here. She warmed the ground and spread out her winter cloak to sit on. Morgan pulled her knees to her chest and fiddled with the ring he gave her as she looked out over the water...

"Still wearing it? You know people would think we are still together this way? You will never find someone new," he said kindly with smile as he saw her. He went here to clear his mind, she was the last one he would expect to be here. He approached her from behind and notice she was playing with the ring he gave her. In that time he really believed she could stay. But he know maybe than her that it was the best for her to run away. Marriage with someone like him would be hell for someone like her.

Morgan jumped and turned to see the one person she had been thinking about. She laughed slightly at his comment and knew that it was true. "Call me sentimental," she said with a smile. "And, it's ok if I don't find someone new. Maybe it's for the better..." she said with a heavy sigh as she dropped her eyes from him. "I'm sorry for coming without your permission, Rabastan. I just needed someplace with happy memories for a while," she said as she offered him a place to sit next to her if he wished.

"Don't say that," he smiled again as he sat next her and gave her kiss on top of her head like he used to do it. "Just because your first fiance turned up to be psycho killer doesn't mean all others will be like that. And you don't deserve to end up alone," he told her as he grabbed small rock and threw it into the water. "It's okay, I didn't show you this place because I don't want you to come here. That sound illogical don't you think?" he asked her.

As he sat next to her and kissed the top of her head, just like old times, Morgan smiled. "I don't want to end up alone. But, I'm not going to rush things, either..." she said resting her chin on her knees. She wanted to tell him how happy she had been with him, but she didn't want to confuse the issue at hand. "It's not illogical. I just know that it's a special place for you and you don't want just anyone coming here," she said smiling and looking at him. "Did, ummmm, did Morana give you my message?" she asked.

"You will never be just anyone to me," he replied to her, hint of sadness in his voice. "That's why I was really sad when you were avoiding me last weeks," he added. He really wanted to talk to her. Or just see her. And he was afraid he scared her off too much, that she won't speak to him ever again. "I thought you hate me actually. So when Morana gave me your message, I felt much better," he explain and answered her question at once.

Morgan's grey-blue eyes softened at his words. "Nor you to me, Rabastan. Nor you to me. You're special, physio killer or not," she said with a small laugh. "And, I wasn't avoiding you. I was just giving us both time to sort things out, if you will. I didn't want to confuse either one of us," she said the same sadness that was in his voice now echoed in hers. "I can't hate you. As much as everyone says that I should, I can't.... You're on my mind a lot, and all I want if for you to be happy. I just wish things were different," she said dropping her gaze, and a tear escaped her eye. She didn't even know she was tearing up.

Rabastan saw the tear and wiped it away. "You know, back than, the morning after you left, I really wished I was sicke enough to catch you and make you mine, make you like us, force you into this and never let you leave. But as much as I was twisted enough to even think of it, I still couldn't do it. You deserve to be happy," he told her the truth. She saw him covered in blood, he told her he was a killer. What could possible tell something worse about him? "So, don't cry for me, beautiful. I don't deserve it," he almost whispered.

Morgan leaned into his touch slightly and smiled. "In a way, I wish you had. I was hoping with every step I took away from you that morning, that you would come running up behind me and take me back. Help me to understand and make me yours," she confessed. She remembered she had walked extra slow that morning, just to give him the chance to catch her. But, in the end, he didn't. "Everyone deserves to be happy. And, even if you think you don't deserve my tears, I shed them for those I care about. I still care about you, Rabastan. I think I always will. That means, you are deserving of them, too," she said gently placing her palm against his cheek.

"It wasn't worth to see you looking out of the window every morning, searching for what you lost. If I caught you, you would never be happy again. Because no matter how much I loved you, I would never change. I would only force you to change for me. To hate, to hurt, to kill. Once you become a killer, there is no turn back," he told her honestly. No, he could never do that to her. She was too important. Too fragile. Too innocent.

"Guess we both didn't want to change the other into something they aren't," she said after hearing that he let her go because he couldn't make her into what he was without causing her harm. She respected that about him. So, he did have a little light inside, no matter what everyone else said.

"I guess you are right," he said with bitter smirk as he looked up to a sky. "Life will never be black and white I suppose. Even if it would be so much easier that way," he said suddenly after few minutes of quiet. Truth was the darkness left traces on Morgan. Her eyes never had the same colour as before. There was something dark inside her and he could feel she was trying to fight it. "Sorry, for putting you on crossroads. You will probably never be seen as the clearly good one again," he added.

Morgan smiled as she pulled her knees up to her chest. "Everything would be too easy if there was only light and dark, black and white. Having a strip of grey in the middle makes for things to not always be absolutes. It allows for some leniency, you know, " she said turning to look at him. "Even if I'm not seen as truly, purely light anymore, I don't regret walking by your side for the time I did. I think, maybe, it was a good thing...." she said resting her chin on her knees. "My eyes aren't so closed as they once might have been. If it's true that everything happens for a reason, then there is a reason for it," she said calmly. "I don't blame you for anything," she added, looking up at him again, her eyes bright, as she smiled.